Reflective Safeguarding Pocket Guide™
Recognising coercive control
A practical guide to noticing the patterns that slowly replace a person’s voice, judgement, freedom and sense of self. Free to read, print and share.
The big question
“Am I becoming more myself, or less myself?”
What coercive control is
Coercive control is a repeated pattern — not a single bad day. Over time it slowly replaces your thoughts, feelings, judgement and freedom with another person or system’s expectations, fears and demands.
The practice
Step 1
Notice
What actually happened? Describe the event plainly, without excusing or explaining it away.
Step 2
Listen
What is my body telling me? Tension, dread, holding your breath and bracing are information.
Step 3
Name
What behaviour am I seeing? Name the behaviour, not the person's worth.
Step 4
Place responsibility
Who owns this? The person who did it owns it. Not the person it happened to.
Step 5
Respond
What protects my dignity? What boundary needs protecting? Who is safe to talk to?
Step 6
Release
I am not responsible for managing another person's behaviour.
Green flags
- Respects your no
- Celebrates your success
- Encourages your friendships
- Apologises and changes
- Tells the truth
- Likes seeing you grow
- Wants you to become more yourself
Red flags
- Walking on eggshells
- Apologising constantly
- Losing friendships
- Hiding parts of yourself
- Feeling responsible for another person's emotions
- Second-guessing yourself
- Becoming smaller to keep the peace
A church reflection for women
- Are women respected here?
- Can women ask questions?
- Can women lead?
- Can women think differently?
- Can women use their gifts?
- Can women disagree respectfully?
- Can women be confident without being criticised?
A healthy community can answer yes without flinching. Where the answer is no, the question is not “what is wrong with her?” but “what is our culture teaching people to accept?”
If you are not safe
This guide is educational and reflective. It is not emergency support, legal advice, a diagnosis or a substitute for professional help. In Australia, in an emergency call 000. For 24/7 support: 1800RESPECT — 1800 737 732, Lifeline — 13 11 14, 13YARN — 13 92 76, and Men’s Referral Service — 1300 766 491.
© Spirit Led Counselling. Reflective Safeguarding Pocket Guide™. Free to print and share for personal, pastoral and community use. Please keep attribution intact.